What I say here may not apply to you, but it is what has helped me heal and feel better in a romantic relationship that didn’t work. I hope something helps you.
The first thing I had to do was be brutally honest with myself about why the relationship was not working and if it could be saved.
In my case, I was trying to fit myself into a lifestyle that did not fit my values and ethics. I did this over and over again, always with the same result of me running away. I loved him but I didn’t love how he was living and it did not fit with the way I live. The way he lived produced distrust from me; I could never trust that he would make a good decision when it came to me. I thought love could conquer all and eventually it would get better. There were times I’d try to communicate with him about it and we always hit a brick wall. After a lot of hurt, a lot of toxicity was created. I had to be brutally honest with myself that who he is was never going to fit in with who I am and every time we were together it ended up bringing us both down. There was no solution.
Being honest with myself about this helped me let go. When I was delusional about it having a chance to work, I was in a constant state of anxiety, stress and longing. To the point my life was not working in all areas. I couldn’t focus on anything but the relationship so everything else suffered. I didn’t notice when something else good happened in my life. I was on auto-pilot with the toxicity of that relationship running every day.
It still was not easy to let go, but each day I moved forward knowing I had done all I could do and the more I tried, the more toxic it got. I didn’t want to feel so low anymore.
I finally got to the point where things started working in my life. I was focused on myself, my goals, passions, family. I was not carrying around the anxiety, stress and longing anymore and was beginning to feel hope, joy and contentment.
We were simply incompatible and I stopped taking it personally. It was no one’s fault. I fell in love with his personality, but that can’t solve incompatibilities.
Whenever the hurt and overthinking came up, I’d tell myself that it was a waste of time and to focus on something that would bring me up. To be honest, the hurt and overthinking still comes up to this day, but it is less frequent and easier to get myself onto a better track.
Accepting the truth about the situation is what finally set me free. There were times I broke up with him and I was angry that he wouldn’t change his lifestyle so we’d fit better. The key here is that he is an alcoholic and struggles. Some people are able to beat the addiction, while some are not ready or never do. This is also something I had to accept. I have compassion for how he struggles and the consequences that result from his drinking. I still miss him and may always miss him, but contact with him only brings back the hurt.
What I write here does not only apply to alcoholism and addiction. I know someone that currently went through a similar situation but not related to addiction. Her truth was that he was not able or willing to commit to her. When she was honest with herself and knew she did everything she could to communicate what she needed and he still could not commit, she was able to let go and begin healing.
When we cling on hoping for change or trying to turn ourselves into something we are not in the name of love, it prevents us from healing. It keeps us stuck in the hurt. It is better to be honest with ourselves so we can move forward to circumstances that bring joy, hope and contentment. It is not an easy road and takes time but as long as you continue to be honest with yourself and make decisions accordingly, it gets easier. Don’t let yourself fall back into a vicious cycle and have to start over. There is something better on the road ahead.
I’ve always placed romantic love as a priority in my life to the point it has distracted me from other things that bring contentment and are within my control, like my goals and passions. Romantic love is not within our control. Who a person is is not within our control. I do still want romantic love, but I will never try to force it again and I will always be discerning about who I let into my life.
There were red flags with him in the very beginning, but I overlooked them because he could be so charming and attentive… like no other man I’d ever met. But charm and attentiveness cannot overcome broken promises, plans being changed based on who was drinking, feeling used as a loneliness filler when no one else was around and many other problems associated with the effects of alcoholism. It can’t overcome someone being unwilling to commit, as in the person I know’s situation. What are your dealbreakers? If a person is displaying them, walk away before your life is in shambles. Don’t stay just because the person has some good qualities. Many people know this and apply it to their life, but some of us did not learn how to discern in our upbringing or other traumatic things happened that gave us low self worth thinking we need to settle. Sometimes people get desperate for a relationship because everyone else seems to have one or we don’t like feeling alone. But a relationship with incompatibilites only brings you down. Craving a relationship when it’s not happening only brings you down. Appreciate what’s in front of you and make the best of it. That is probably when a loving compatible relationship will appear in your life.
Here are a few of the products available with my art printed on them (by clicking an item you like, it will take you to the page where it’s available). They’d make great gifts to yourself or someone you love and would help support my dream of becoming a full-time writer and artist. Any purchase would be SO appreciated, but if you don’t want to or can’t, that’s totally fine. Just stopping by and reading my blog is a huge support.