He was so good to me when we were together.
But eventually, he’d ghost me and I’d break up with him.
During the break-up I was confused how he could seem like he loved me so much then turn around and ghost me a few days later.
Eventually he’d come back and we’d do it all over again.
Why did I go back? Because he was very convincing and I believed he loved me so thought he’d stop ghosting me.
But he’s an alcoholic and his first love will always be alcohol.
When he goes out and drinks all that matters is him and alcohol.
To the point that he didn’t have the desire to show up and keep trust in our relationship.
For most of us, dating an alcoholic is a deal-breaker. But when you first meet one, you don’t know they are and they can be very charming and convincing to get your company in the moment making you feel loved like you never have been.
They can be deceiving about their alcoholism because they don’t want you to know.
An alcoholic may have a lot of bar buddies, but they don’t have a lot of meaningful relationships because they hurt everyone they love with their deceit and drunken actions.
So when an alcoholic finds you and likes you, he may latch on and bring out his charm and say anything to keep you in his life because he’s felt very empty and/or lonely.
I knew better than to date an alcoholic but this one convinced me he loved me before I even knew he was an alcoholic.
He knew exactly what to say and do to hook me and didn’t start ghosting me until 4 months later when it became a regular thing.
I was completely confused why someone who seemed to love me so much would say he’d be over in an hour, then completely disappear, not answering texts or phone calls.
Then come back and repeat the process in a week or a month.
After so many episodes I began to understand. An alcoholic’s first love is alcohol and I will always be second, never getting the love, support and respect I deserve.
Somehow, knowing that takes the sting away. I believe there is a wonderful person underneath the alcohol but an addiction slowly takes over your life and consumes you. I saw this happening to him and hurt for him.
Yes, he does have a choice to stop, but that probably feels impossible to him.
He knows how alcohol is messing up his life but yet he can’t stop. How miserable would that be?
It’s sad when you have to leave, but it’s the only option if they aren’t seeking help.
It never helps to stay with an alcoholic and try to help them unless they are trying to help themselves.
You won’t change their mind by being by their side. The best thing you can do is leave and live life for yourself.
~ Monica
Ideas and Advice for How To Live a Joyful and Empowered Life. 
Unfortunately, I think this ends up being true for all addicts. It has such a hold over them that they prioritize it over people and relationships. Very sad.
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Yes, it is sad but also somehow oddly comforting to know it was probably out of his control, rather than just someone playing games with me. Not to give him an excuse, but to try to understand his struggle lets me see it with compassion rather than anger, and that feels better.
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You’re correct, Monica, in that an addict’s only path to wellness begins with his own steps in that direction. There’s no other way.
Maybe, just maybe, losing you may help him realize the costs. Sad though the current situation is, it may be the spark the Alcoholic needs to reclaim his life.
Of course, if it is, you will have moved onward and upward. Still, this story may have a happy ending. Still a possibility…
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Thank-you so much for your encouraging words. They mean the world to me. I struggle to find the balance of keeping hope but not letting it consume me since he may decide to continue to self-destruct. I realize this is probably a co-dependency so work at it every day doing my best to focus on me and my life only and give the rest to God. While I was continuing the on/off thing with him, there were times he was trying (on his own – I never pushed the issue since I know it can only be his decision). He’d go a day without a drink and say he’d only drink beer on the weekends (even though the next day he was drinking again), or commenting he’s glad he doesn’t do bars anymore (even though he did, but did cut down). The last episode he signed up for rehab, but did not continue. This is when I finally told him I will not ever go back unless he gets sober. Only time will tell, but my work here is to take care of myself.
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Very true, Monica.
Your patience in continuing to be there for him, despite his erraticism, is quite the benevolence on your part.
You want to know what I think? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway…
This guy made these attempts to overcome his addiction because of your influence. There eventually came a time, though, when even a saint’s patience isn’t enough. Naturally.
However, just as your presence was enough to spark those first steps, your absence may be the jolt he needs to finally, yes finally, follow through.
You’re moving on to bigger, better and more hopeful things, but that doesn’t mean this guy’s story won’t make you smile someday too.
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I do hope he follows through. Ashamed to say it’s for the selfish reason to have him in my life. But there is a part of me that wants him to find happiness and health even if it’s without me. He has a very good side that is humble and caring. I see his sadness and how he feels alone. I see symptoms that the alcohol is harming his health in a big way. I see his struggle and just want him to have happiness, peace and health. Thank-you again for your encouragement. It helps me have a little hope ❤
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