I’ve been pretty much single for 12 years since my divorce. I’ve had four very short-term boyfriends during this time but they didn’t last long enough to even feel like a real relationship and I never lived with any of them.
I’d say 9 of the 12 years was spent pining for a relationship or some man I had a crush on at the time, I’m sorry to say. Sorry because it was time I spent pining and unhappy, rather than enjoying and improving my life. I look back and wonder how much better my life would be right now had I focused on enjoying, developing and living my life. There were very short-term and sporadic times I felt I’d never need a man and they were times I was engrossed in being creative, but I’d lose that feeling and couldn’t figure out how to get it back (probably because some guy called and I derailed for a few weeks, haha). These times were few and far between.
During the 9 years of pining, there would be many times I did not want to be like that and so I’d Google ‘happy and single’ or similar terms. I wanted to find women that were living an awesome life without a relationship and not even wanting a relationship. Most of what I found were women living an awesome life while waiting for their relationship. I didn’t want to be waiting. The waiting is what was bringing me down. I didn’t want to desire a relationship at all – it actually hurt to feel this way.
I wanted to hear from a different mindset so I could learn how to be like her. I wanted the mindset… I do not crave having a relationship because my life is so awesome. This is how I wanted to be but wanting to find a man was ALWAYS running through the back of my mind and tainted everything. I did not know how to stop it. I prayed for it to stop to no avail it seems.
But in hindsight, I see that God was putting me through a number of lessons to understand why I was like that so I could finally heal it.
I believe I was reliant on happiness coming from a relationship. I believed it was the answer to feeling whole and happy. I believe spending my time searching for a relationship was filling a void. I’d been in a 20-year marriage and I felt it needed to be replaced, when I should have been healing and working on myself, rather than seeking a new relationship to take its’ place. I didn’t know I had healing to do though. I thought I was fine and all the issues were my ex-husband’s.
The fact that finding a relationship was the most important thing to me was saying there was something wrong. I thought I was just a relationship girl. What that meant is that I needed a relationship to be happy.
I think you know you are healed from this when you are not always on the lookout for the next relationship. For quite a while now I’ve been so into my passions, learning new things and applying them to my life that I haven’t even thought of a guy or relationship and it has felt AMAZING. Like a burden has been lifted and I am finally free. I feel fulfilled. My life is not perfect by any means, but I’m thoroughly enjoying the process of improving everything. My confidence and self esteem are going up. I feel happy most of the time.
This is not to say that I do not want a relationship. It’s just that I’m having such a good time I don’t think of it. I’m open to having a relationship and if I meet a man along the way and it’s a good match, I’ll be going for it. But I’m not constantly searching, pining and being sad because I don’t have it. I’m actually at a point that I could take it or leave it.
I’m hoping I can be that woman I used to Google for and be a mentor to any that have had similar issues as I have in the past about pining for a relationship and feeling sad about it all the time. I had read all the advice about healing yourself and focusing on your life, but that didn’t do it. Experience is what finally taught me. Experiencing the kind of men and relationships I attracted being in that needy state. Experiencing the thought of wasting all my time searching. Experiencing my life going to shambles because my energy was used searching or being in wrong or toxic relationships. Then finally experiencing the fulfillment that comes from doing what I’m passionate about – writing, learning, art, cooking, gardening, building savings, paying down debt, traveling and more.
Fulfilled should be the goal in life – not marital status. When we are fulfilled in our passions, what we are doing in life and who we are it doesn’t matter if we have a partner or not.
If you relate with or have thoughts about anything in this post, please share in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you and it will add more information to this important topic. Thank-you!