I can’t tell you how many times I have been distraught, disappointed, overwhelmed by the results of an experience not going the way I had envisioned. The feelings that proceeded would always leave me with- basically -no ambition of moving forward. Have you experienced that? Or, maybe you have had something a lot more harsh happen to you that hits ya right in the soul. The loss of a long term relationship. It leaves you gasping for air and left to clean up the mess. And, I’m sure you have the immense pleasure of something as simple as getting stuck in traffic. Such a joy. It’s definitely a circumstance you can’t prevent. You’re now going to be 30 minutes late to work and you know it’s going to ruin your day.. You are itching to speed your way to work and somehow arrive on time.. which never really works. You are usually still late..
The common thread of these situations? All of these experiences leave us with some major control issues. We wish that project we started would’ve worked out the way we had originally envisioned, that we could’ve kept that relationship for a lifetime or have that love return to us with a new partner so we can feel the love we are longing to receive, and of course, we wish the situations we have absolutely zero control over would just work out the way we’d like so we don’t have to suffer the inevitable consequences that were never our fault in the first place. Oh, the uncontrollable aspects of life that make us feel so uncomfortable… It’s really just quite unfair. Control is an area of my life that I have struggled with for a very long time. In fact, control likes to viciously attack me on a day to day basis. But, I have recently discovered a few new thought patterns to save the day. Literally, that’s it. Just a thought. I am absolutely fascinated by the idea that a thought can change my entire reality.
To understand the principle of control and to shine a brighter light on the incredible hold it places on our lives, it is important to uncover the “WHY”. Why do we try to control situations that are beyond our power? Why do we grasp on so tightly to the things that are not right for us? I believe that there are strong reasons for this. The first is protection. Throughout our life there are pains that leave scars so wide, they can never truly be covered. In order to survive these pains and scars we “believe” that we must hold on, push away, plan, prepare, process and change the final result. We simply do not want to feel pain. We also just want to be loved. That’s it. We want to feel good enough, to feel deserving of what is brought to us. So we tend to think that a situation, a relationship, or an outcome somehow defines our worth. Obviously, this is rubbish, but we tend to always go back to this thought. That we must just not be deserving of good things if what we have envisioned does not happen. Maybe it won’t ever happen. Maybe it’s a lost cause and we don’t deserve it after all….
I have found that there is a solution to this way of thinking. I’ve broken it down into three typical categories that will usually initiate the need to control:
1.Timing
2.Conflict
3.The unknown
The key is to work on shifting your relationship with control and the different aspects of when control is triggered in your life. What fears do you have surrounding these areas and why is control, controlling your life?
So to make this very easy for you to understand… There are some beautiful ways to shift your thought process about these areas of life so that when they arise you do not feel the need to control them any longer. It is simply a thought process that is very similar to thinking positive vs. thinking negative. To choosing love Vs. fear. Each one of those are choices that you can chose to think, feel and believe in every aspect of your life.
Timing
Think for a moment if every aspect of your life happened in the perfect timing.. You arrived on time to work, you manifested the perfect relationship at the most desirable time, and every aspect of your life was perfectly timed. Down to a T. Hmmm. Life would just be far too easy. You would not grow patience. You would not be able to understand the absolute precious quality of time. Time does not have a price tag- nor should it ever. We begin to understand that time with our loved ones is the absolute most essential and valued. If we did not have areas of our life where we battled with time, we would lose sight of what a gift time is on this earth. What a gift it is to have the ability to live and breathe. To simply have time. Do you see where I’m going with this? This is the art of contrast. We live in a 3D world of yin and yang. If we do not have the bad then we do not have the good. And if everything was perfectly timed to our heart’s desires and longings.. TIME would simply not be valuable. It would not be understood as something precious. We would not work hard to reach our goals, to live in the manner that we do. Appreciate the clock on your wall, appreciate the moments you spend with your family and love the time that you have. Do not curse time and create an unhealthy relationship with this aspect of your life because it only creates you to be impatient, unhappy, and feeling as if there will never be enough time. So ultimately, instead of thinking, “I don’t have enough time.” Or “Timing is never on my side.” Remember to always think to yourself, “I am thankful to have time on my side.” “Everything happens in the perfect time and there is no need to try and control what it is out of my power.”
Conflict
Conflict plays a major part in how we wish to control aspects of our lives. The main reason for this is because, as I mentioned previously, we do not want to get hurt. We perceive conflict as pain. Based on our past, we have a belief that conflict will bring us pain, abuse, heart ache and that we will not receive the good things that we desire. And therefore, when conflict arises in our life we tend to find the need to control every aspect of it so that we are not left bruised. We wish to erase all conflict and find ways to do so. This usually causes more drama and conflict. Not our intention, but somehow it finds a way. Our egos fight to win. They key to transforming this relationship with conflict is to understand the importance of conflict. Once again, if life were perfect.. if there were never any conflict– where would that ever get us? We would not grow and learn about ourselves. We would not be able to watch relationships transform from trauma to love. We would not be able to experience “Unconditional love.” Having been through the ringer with another.. and yet still finding it in your heart to forgive and love that person anyway. We would not be able to learn valuable lessons which shape us into the people that we are. We would not have the fierceness we acquired throughout the years, had it not been for all of the conflict and hateful words. We would not be dedicated to our goals. Bottom line is that if we did not have conflict, we simply would not know anything of growth, unconditional love, or of determination. Because life would have no grit. This is the way in which we change our relationship with conflict. By choosing to view it as a challenge to overcome and by thanking it for allowing us to grow. It can sound silly to look at something like conflict as a positive, but without it, life wouldn’t have all the dimension. We would not be as thankful when the good times approach.. Do not think, “Nothing good ever happens to me.” “This conflict will ruin me.” “I can not overcome this, so I need to control it.” Think to yourself, “I will overcome this.” “I am strong and I know that this experience will help me to grow.” “I know this temporary discomfort will pass.” “I am so thankful for conflict because it makes me appreciate the good times that much more.”
The unknown
This is the aspect of control that I struggle with the most. In my case, I struggle so hard because I am the type of person that asks a lot of questions. I enjoy knowing every detail so that I can map out a plan in my head and then be able to make decisions accordingly. I need to know the who, what, where, when why, and definitely the how. Every. Detail. So I struggle with not knowing the whole picture. I struggle with trying to uncover these details until I get the answers I am looking for. Knowing and knowledge help me to feel secure. Details being left out makes me feel as if I do not have control and that is when I get a little bit cray cray ;). This is something I have had to learn to accept. If I could imagine the world where I knew every detail, if every imaginable outcome was understood and felt before I laid down my plan of attack, how fun would life be? Honestly, I don’t think it would be very. Part of the fun of life, is that it is mysterious. If we knew all the answers, we wouldn’t have theories and things to be excited about. If we knew every detail we wouldn’t be able to enjoy surprises and “magic” in life. Life would feel a whole lot less magical. Quite dull, in fact. So here are some thoughts I have been thinking to myself, “I don’t need to know every detail. Sometimes things are left to be unknown.” “Life is magical and I enjoy the mysteries of life and I do not feel the need to control this.” “I love surprises and the unknown.”
This is the way that I try to view the world. It may seem a bit far fetched and unrealistic in moments where true tragedies are unfolding. But I am not saying to pretend that everything is perfect and wonderful. What I am saying is that you get to create the thoughts you want. So if you pay very close attention to your thoughts, you start to understand exactly why your reality is what it is. You get to create it and it is all simply a choice and an awareness that gravitates you to an entire different world. I hope you enjoy the world you are living in.
-Shauna
Ideas and Advice for How To Live a Joyful and Empowered Life. 