I have energy today!
For the past few months I have felt like something was zapping my energy on a daily basis. In hindsight, I now know what it was.
I thought I was enjoying time with him. The reality is that I enjoyed feeling like I had a partner and not being by myself. I was filling a void with something that wasn’t healthy and good for me. There really were some things I enjoyed about him, but for the most part, I was settling just so I could feel like I wasn’t alone in this world. Settling for a lot of things I am not compatible with. Sounds crazy, I know, but there were a lot of things I liked. He gave me a lot of attention, always treated me well and we got along great.
It was our lifestyles that were incompatible. I’m more of a settled down type, while he isn’t. He enjoys people, drinking, staying out late, bars, women. While he showed me a lot of care and attention, I never felt stable and secure with him. I was always trying to adjust myself, but in the end realized that I’m just not meant to be with someone that lives like that. I knew it all along but didn’t want to give up the good parts. It resulted in a toxic relationship that took away all my mental energy.
Now I know that peace, tranquility and health are much more important. After 5 months of trying to make things work, I walked away and now feel the difference. It’s only been 4 days since I walked away. The prior 3 days I was still feeling drained, but that is because I’ve been healing and sorting through it all.
Right before I met him I was feeling content with life. I had a few struggles like we all do, but I felt I had finally accomplished what I had wanted 4 1/2 years prior. At that point in life, I was so focused on finding a partner, that I had exhausted myself. I had been on a dating site for about 3 years and dated a lot. I found myself consumed with thoughts of the current men I was dating, where I stood with them, frustration with things never working and the rest of my life being a mess. This is when I decided to quit dating sites and focus on my life.
It was like a dating sabbatical, but I was still open to dating. It turned out that I ended up dating maybe 4-5 men per year. I saw those dates as getting out for a good time, rather than trying to find my next partner. I stayed focused on making my life good and I finally reached a place of contentment. I got used to being on my own and enjoyed my single life. I could do anything I wanted at anytime. I didn’t have to worry about how I looked all the time. I ate what I wanted and watched what I wanted. If a man came into the picture, I just enjoyed him while he was around.
Time to get back to that and take care of myself.
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