This is so well written and to the point. Hoping it will help others as much as it helped me.


  1. Brilliant summary, Monica, of what motivates the Narcissist and, more important, of what will inspire his victims to move beyond his reach. No wonder you featured it!

    It’s a point too many of us miss, that the Narcissist absolutely lacks self-esteem, hence his insatiable search for someone with attributes in abundance, a wealth he may plunder.

    A rational person seeks a quality individual to share her warmth, and perhaps to contribute comfort of his own. A Narcissist asks, “How much of her can I steal?”

    It’s simple arithmetic – one minus one is zero, one plus one equals two. Do the math!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, the narcissist lacking self esteem is very easy to miss because of the big act to suck you in. It’s so hard to understand that a person would actually think and behave like this, but that’s what they do. They lack empathy and that’s the hardest thing to understand especially when your an empath, which is usually the one they’ll target. Learning lots of lessons still.


  2. Great Post!
    If you didn’t already know, Dr. Les Carter has many excellent Youtube videos on Narcissists and dealing with them. They are practically obsessed with controlling everything, feeling superior and have very low emapthy.

    The one thing I find myself strongly DIS-agreeing with is:
    all of the persistent advice I keep seeing/reading telling everyone to go “low-contact” with the narcissist. but this requires some clarification. I DO believe low contact is a good tactic to minimize future misery/conflict/arguments—–but—-

    What happens to junior-high school kids when they DONT stand up to a bully? Answer: the bully keeps right on bullying! Ask yourself, is that really how you want to live? What happens when the junior high school bully get a bloody nose, punched in the stomach and knocked down? They “think twice” about messing with you. So what I’d like to see is:
    giving it right back to the NARCISSIST in spades, verbally. WHY NOT?-have the Naricissist be the one running and screaming from the room because we told THEM they are “not measuring up”, they suck at this or that, why cant they be more like so and so who you admire more (and tell them that) and also tell them we KNOW thjey are Gaslighting us, minimizing us, shifting to other irrelevant topics when we confront them, and blame us for their problems? WE KNOW! and we tell them we know and that starting now:
    A) we wont take it
    B) we will “bust them” on it?

    There is FAR too much “tip-toeing” and being timid around the narcissist. NO MORE!
    So, unless you are seriously at risk for violence, ENOUGH! Give it right back. Hard. Let them be on the defensive. Hey! THEY might even go “low contact”. Imagione that. And then we would have Peace. Just my opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with letting them know they are gaslighting and we aren’t going to take it anymore, but I wouldn’t want to act like them in order to show-down the bully. Not judging because I’ve actually done it on numerous occasions, lol. I don’t sit there like a weak thing taking abuse – I either leave (if I’m strong enough to keep my mouth shut), or attack and I never like myself very much after I attack. It can feel great in the moment though, lol.

      The times I have ‘fought’ back was a losing battle and a waste of energy. They are practiced and don’t care. One day we might ‘win’, but we may have become just as narcissistic as they are in the process, and it’s extremely stressful. But I actually think we will never ‘win’ simply because they don’t have empathy and are extremely selfish and will do anything to get their needs met at our expense.

      I have dealt with two narcissists (one is life-long, family member, and the other is an ex-boyfriend). With the ex, I fought back constantly. Always stood up for myself and never took any crap. If I didn’t fight back, I’d tell him exactly why I was leaving. I realize leaving isn’t an option for everyone. It never got better. He’d fake being nicer or whatever it took to suck me back in, or love bomb me only to treat me like crap the second things got comfortable. I finally had to cut contact because I couldn’t focus on my life. It was misery with him, or my life without the misery.

      The other narcissist, who is even worse than the one above, I have not cut contact with because he’s a close family member. But I have limited contact. If I were to bully him back, I’d get beaten up. I’ve learned to not take anything personally and when a boundary gets crossed, leave or find a way to let him know where I won’t get screamed at or punched.

      I just feel it’s a losing battle to fight them and then it’s turning us into them. I would not ever wish to be anything close to what a narcissist is.

      I appreciate your comments and thoughts on this and completely understand wanting to bully the shit out of them. I have been so angry in the past I found myself screaming with rage at him when he wasn’t even there, and at times, when he was there. This is when I knew things had to change because that is not how I wanted to live my life.

      Liked by 1 person

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