Your gut says ‘trouble, don’t date him’
Your mind says ‘but he seemed so nice and he’s so good looking’
You date him
He wows you over with his words
He is everything you always wanted
He paid attention to everything you said
And noticed qualities no one has ever noticed
He’s attentive and pursuing you like no other
When you talk on the phone it’s for hours
And he’s going on and on about how wonderful you are
Your gut is saying ‘this is too good to be true, and you are still ignoring the big red flag’
Your mind is saying ‘but he’s showing me everything I’ve always wanted in a man’
You love the attention so decide to keep ignoring the red flag and your gut
You hope this proves to be that he is not what your gut keeps nagging you about
So you entertain it a little while longer
He reels you in with even more love bombing
You are on cloud 9 glad you didn’t listen to your gut, saying it all must have been insecurities
You finally have the relationship of your dreams
Then, he does what your gut warned you about
You are in disbelief
He’s been showing you what you’ve always wanted all along
How could this be?
You decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and stay in it because now you’ve invested time and energy and don’t want to lose this relationship that has felt so good.
Even though what he did was very hurtful and disrespectful
And he wasn’t accountable for it
You think, ‘no one is perfect, including myself’
Things are good for a little while, then it happens again
And so the cycle continues until you decide to free yourself
The longer you let this go on, the more it sucks your life away
Robs you of self esteem
He’ll tell you that you are being negative or something similar when you object to his hurtful or disrespectful actions
He’ll never take genuine responsibility for what he’s done
If you break up with him, he may come back with a fake apology just to suck you in again and you may fall for it wanting the love he showed in the beginning.
But it’s been fake from the beginning
He was winning you over to boost his own low self esteem or to fill a void in his life
He was using your light to pick himself up
The cycle is a nightmare because you can never figure it out so you’re in your head about it constantly.
There’s no space in your head to think about your passions and your life.
You get consumed in it
Cut it off and never go back as soon as you recognize he isn’t accountable, he’s done something hurtful or disrespectful, and/or there’s a red flag like drinking, drugs, other women, no job, not doing anything with his life, no hobbies, etc.
Very likely he’s toxic and if you participate, it’s showing there something you need to work on in your own life
You’ll lose yourself chasing what it was in the beginning, and if you ever break free from it, it will take a long time to recover
It was all an illusion he created for his selfish needs
The best thing to do is listen to your gut and heed the red flag in the beginning.
~ Monica
Ideas and Advice for How To Live a Joyful and Empowered Life. 
The gut is sometimes called ” the second brain “. Our gut usually gives us good advice. Thanks for posting this. 🤗
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Yep, I look back and all the times I didn’t listen to my gut ended up to be a big lesson for me. I’m happy to have learned the lessons, but also wish I had listened to my gut and prevented delays in my life.
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Thanks for sharing some very good advice in this post. 🤗
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We should always listen to our gut. And we should persuade ourselves to notice, and take seriously, any red flags that start to appear!
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Yes, you’re right – we should always listen to our gut in every situation in life – not just dating. Thank-you for stopping by, reading and commenting!
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I truly believe that this is the same thing for men who are entering into relationships.
My last marriage was very much as you described and even after being warned by numerous people and my gut telling me that things were wrong, I still went into the marriage and even after a separation of 9 months, I still believed that things would change but they didn’t and now I am divorced having invested 13 years of my life.
Never again and thanks for the reminder.
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Yes, I totally believe it’s the same for both genders. I thought about writing this with him/her, he/she, but I decided to go with my experience as a female in it. I’m sorry you went through this too. I still have a hard time figuring out why so many are deceptive about who they are. I get that we all want to make a good impression and want someone in our life, but to not have actual caring?
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I am so sorry that you too experienced what you went through.
You are right about the desire for us to have someone in our lives but unfortunately not everyone cares or loves enough to make someone happy.
I am so grateful though for the experiences that I have had because I believe that they have made me a much more stronger person and enabled me to see the good in others. 🤗
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I agree – I am also grateful for hard experiences because they teach me valuable lessons
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You invest so much and still keep on paying the highest price. That is not ok.
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Very, very true. We have to be able to notice when we are investing in someone that does not value it then be able to leave the situations that no longer serve us.
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A true depiction of my dating history.
Sending love ❤
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Mine too. The important part of your statement is HISTORY. We learned! Maybe the hard way, but we learned 😉
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Logical advice, Monica, which struggles to be heard over the swelling music.
See, that’s just it, it’s of the mind, and it appeals to ordered analytics. What good is that, though, when one’s heart yearns?
Here, the mind defers, and Hopes and Dreams are goddesses of the day. I wish I could offer more valuable advice, but we are profoundly romantic creatures. It makes us supremely loving – and vulnerable.
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Being romantic and loving does make us vulnerable, especially when we want that one special relationship so bad and it never seems to come. But it sure can create havoc and heartbreak. I’m glad I’m not currently going through it anymore. It’s a conversation my daughter and I had last night because she’s going through it right now. It’s hard to see her go through the pain that I did and maybe this will get through to someone and save them from that. More than likely though, they’ll choose to go through the heartbreak to learn, just like I did, and my daughter. Experience is the best teacher.
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So true, Monica!
Plus, your writing inspired me – how can I resist an 18th-century reference?
Franklin once observed, “Experience exacts a dear tuition, but some will learn in no other school.”
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Wow, this is exactly what narcissists do. The love bombing, manipulation, cheating, threatening, all because of their low self-esteem.
My ex was a narcissist, and his emotional abuse made me go into depression. I’m glad I’m away from him.
This post will really help those who are in toxic relationships, to realise that they have a choice to get away, or to seek help. Thank you for writing it. 😊💛
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Sorry to hear you went through this. I went into a depression too after dealing with my ex. The further it is behind me though, the better I feel. It’s so confusing and I never thought I’d be one that would get involved with someone like this but all the love bombing fooled me and kept me going back for the vicious cycle.
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I’m sorry that you went through that as well. 🤗💛
I can totally understand. Looking back, even I wonder about the same thing. Because in my right mind, I’d never date someone so cruel. But as they say, love is blind. 😁 I agree with you, the love bombing can be very deceiving.
I’m glad you’re fine now. 😊
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Oooo Monica, stop talking about me will ya…
The “funny” thing is what you described happened to me, with a girl that is. I would classify these type of people as narcissist sociopaths. They only think about them-Narcissist and they don’t have true feelings towards the other person-Sociopath.
You described my first ex girlfriend. Very toxic person, she still called me( I even got 113 calls in one day!)after over a year I left but running at a high rate of speed. What a nutcase that one. So in all seriousness you gave great important advice. I learned from that mistake and since I do consider myself a pretty good guy, not perfect but not a malicious person as some people can be, I got a bit wiser with the years and the first thing I see a bit “off” I´m out. Good advice. Good blog, looking forward to read more with more time.
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Hi Charly – I apologize for not getting back to this sooner – somehow I missed it. Thank-you for reading and commenting – it is appreciated very much. I was concerned the post sounded like it is all men that are like this, because I know women come like this too, but it was easier to just write from the experience I had. Sorry to hear you’ve been through it too. We learned though and it will probably never happen again. Wish I had known about this years ago to save quite a few heartbreaks.
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No worries, there a lot of people we don’t have time to spend all day on wordpress so is normal happens to me too. Probably more often than I think.
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Great post!
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Thank-you! 🙂
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OMG! This is my story
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